Tape thirty one.

Mikeen McCarthy

Contents.

The Man With The Hatchet. (Jack-o-Lantern)

The Cuckold's Funeral   (story)

Rake’s child  christened

Continued from previous tape

M Mc  So he sees the roof, with the head of a man hanging from the roof anyway.  

“Oh”, he said, “as long as I ran I have it”.   

So bejay, he turned around and looked at another corner and he saw a young boy's head and it hanging from the hair down.   

So he said, “I won't look at no more corners”, because he look in the corners he was getting frightened.    And he saw bones and all thrown around the room.     

So bejay, the man ordered him back down to the fire, “go back down to the fire”, he said, “because as you know”, he said, “nobody ever gets out of here alive”, he said.   

So he goes down anyway and he takes off his clothes and he was roasting himself to the fire and he said he never saw as much heat out of the one fire in his life.    So he was standing with his long johns anyway, as they used call them, an old white flannel trousers that'd be inside the trousers that time, tied around his ankles and all, and that was all the clothes he'd on him.  

So he was watching anyway, he said, “this is the last time I can move anyway”.  

And the door was bolted tight, top and bottom, with er…. there was no iron bolts that time, only blocks of wood.  

So he said, “if I can ever get a chance to get out I'd be as right as rain like”.  

So he was shivering, and 'twasn't from the cold he was shivering, but afraid of your man and he standing with this hatchet in his hand.  

So he said, “could I have a drink of water”.  

“Oh, I'll give you a drink of water”, he said, “because it's the last water you’re going to drink”, he said.  

So where did he go only down the room to bring up a jug of water to him anyway.     As he come up the room he made a bolt for the door and he got out and your man got after him.   But talk about a helter and skelter anyway, down along this bohereen, a narrow road as we call bohereen in Ireland.   

Off through the bog and he kept running and running and running anyway, until he saw another light. But he looses your man anyway and he goes on and he knocks at the door.   So he was a small tidy little man and when he knocked at the door anyway, what was going on there only a wake.  

And the woman came to the door and in order not to frighten the woman he told her, says he, “I've no clothes on”, he said, “and don't come out”, he said to her.  

And she said, “what happened your clothes”? 

“I'll tell you later on ma'am”, he says.    “If you have anything at all I can put around me”.   “Well”, she said, “we haven't a stitch of clothes in the house”, she said, “only the clothes”, she said, “belonging to the dead man”.  

“Well I don't care who they belong to”, he said, “if you give them to me, I'll wear them anyway, and I'll wear them in the good of the soul”.  

Well she handed him out the trousers first and he got on the trousers.   So the man that died he was a very, very tall man,   So bejay, when he got on the trousers he had to keep rolling up the legs of it anyway until they got ten or twelve folds in them, he was that high.    And the next thing she handed him out the shirt, and bejay, the shirt went down round his ankles. And the next thing she handed him out the waistcoat, and the waistcoat would have made a top coat for him.   And the next thing she handed him out the boots, and the boots about size twelves, and the man used take about size five. or sixes.   And she handed him out the top coat anyway, that time the coats they used wear, there used be two splits in the tail like, hanging down, d'you know.   And bejay1 they were dragging along the ground.   So begod, she gives him the hat anyway, and he puts on the hat and it fell down to his shoulders,   Well he didn't give two hoots anyway, saving him from the cold.   And bejay, she hands him out the tie anyway, and all the rest of the equipment anyway.  

But he rambles into the house anyway and he was just like a little branch of a tree holding up the suit, the way he was able to get it.  So he knelt down and said his prayers anyway, whatever prayers,   

So of course, they all had to leave the wake anyway,   'twas coming on about one o’clock anyway and everybody was going home and he landed out in the yard of the house.  

And the very minute he landed out in the yard of the house anyway, out came an old gander, and where did the gander land, only on top of the two tails of the coat.  And that wound him up inside what we call very wet manure (te),  'twould be the leavings of cattle and all that, wound up inside in them anyway.   

But he gets away again and bejay, he lands to the road, and when he landed to the road, there your man was with the hatchet again and he just faced him.  

And what happened but he was asleep the first place under the bush, when he saw the light (laughter).   'Twas all a dream.

M Mc   There was this one and her husband so bejay, she was having it off with another feller anyway, d'you know. So, begod, but what happens but she poisons her husband anyway. And when she poisoned him, the day of the funeral.  Anyway, they were burying him like and the feller she was having it off with was giving her a wink at the graveyard, to come away, d'you know.    The two of them were Jacks, you see, the two, her husband and the feller she was going with, d'you know.   

She said, “Jack, you won't be down long until I be down after you”, she was telling your man to go away like, from the graveyard, you see.  

“And Jack, you're going down now and I wont be long now till I'm down after you”, d'you see, she didn't care about the husband getting buried, she was telling your man to go away down, that she'd be down after him, you see.  

“Well Jack, you won't be down long until I be down after you”.  

So bejay, there was a nettle, you know those nettles that sting you like, and weren't they along by the side of the graveyard, so she was kneeling down1 letting on to be praying anyway, and didn't one of the nettles sting her on the backside.  

“Ah”, she said, “and as far down as you are”, she said, “the sting didn't leave you yet”.

M Mc  But there was a feller back in Kerry like, yerra, and he was having it off with all the farmer's daughters in all round the country area.  So I suppose if you met them up he'd have a dozen kids around the country that time.   

So he got married when he was about forty five anyway, and he got married to a farmer's daughter.    So bejay, they went to live in town anyway.  

And bejay, what happens but the wife anyway, goes to hospital and has a kid, you see and the day of the christening anyway he was coming out of the chapel.   So there was about a dozen women and they were all talking in a group together and he could read what they were saying like.   

“Oh, 'tisn’t his first one, indeed, 'tisn't his first Christening”, d’you know, they were all saying to one another.  

Well now, he couldn't get past them, if he could he'd walk on, so he'd to walk right for them like.  

So he said,   “I know what they're all saying about me now”, and all this, d'you know.  

So bejay, there was one old woman anyway, “oh, I wish you joy Jack”, she said, “with your christening”.  

So he didn't know what to say and he turned around.  

“Yerra, that's all right, ma'am”, he said, “all I'm afraid of now in case they marry one another”.